I have been sitting in my room all morning feeling sorry for myself. Crying and feeling sad. Worrying and stressing about things that I really can't change. I finally got up and started working. A suggestion that my Grandma Cowley always said to me. She always told me to "Get up and work...you'll feel better". So I took her advice and started in. I decided to walk outside my front yard and eat and orange.
The weather is beautiful today. Warm sun, crisp air in the breeze. Really appreciating God's creations. I have always found beauty in simple things. Always loved looking at the sky and watching clouds, green grass on my feet. Watching ants scurry around. I was feeling happy again. I looked across the street and out walked my neighbor Beth with her mother Jean who has been very sick and basically came home to die. That was almost 3 weeks ago. I have kept in contact with her grand daughter Sarah. Asking and inquiring about her grandma. I have felt prompted many times to go over and visit with her. One time I saw her out with her daughters and got the courage to go out. I ran in to put on my shoes and came out and they had gone inside. I felt terrible that I didn't get to say anything. But what do you say to someone who knows they are about to die? What do you take the family? I have felt like I didn't know what to do. I wanted to go over but let fear keep me. Feeling somewhat satisfied that I was checking in with Sarah and that it was ok.
So today when I saw her daughters bring her out in her wheelchair I immediately walked over to her. My puffy eyes with no make up on them. Walked right over to her. I was a little taken back at what I saw. I tried to make out the Jean I knew. But she wasn't there. There was this little frail lady, with her eyes sunken in and white beautiful hair blowing in the wind. That was the part that looked like jean to me. Her hair. I asked how everyone was doing. Feeling dumb after asking that. Finally I got up the courage and took Jean's hand in mine and told her I was sorry she was sick and what a great neighbor she had been to me. She smiled. I held her hand. She closed her eyes and relished in the sun and how good it felt. I told her that I appreciated how much she had helped me many years ago. You see Jean is the lady that came running out in to the road and screamed at the top of her voice ..FIRE...FIRE....FIRE.... Our fire alarms didn't go off immediately but Rob heard someone screaming and went out to see who it was. It was my good neighbor Jean. So rob was able to come in and get us out before any damage to our family so many years ago. She smiled. I don't know how clearly she is thinking because they stopped her feeding tube a few days ago. But she smiled and said oh yes. Her daugheter started talking to me and while she was doing that Jean brought my hand to her lips and gave me one last kiss. I wanted to cry. I managed to keep it together and told beth to let me know if they needed anything at all.
I came inside and immediately cried and sobbed. Today I choose to feel sorry for myself when my life is really a great life. I have great friends having babies bringing new life to earth. That in itself is amazing. I have a family that is like no other. I can depend on them for anything. Anything at all. What great peace that is to know I have such support in my life. I have a husband who works hard to take care of our family and the most beautiful kids that bring me moments of such happiness I think I will burst. I worry about them. I love them. I am grateful for them! I have a home and abundance of things that I could ever need. I truly am blessed. I am blessed to have known such good people in my life. It is time I start acting upon all my feelings instead of pushing them down and worrying about others. It is a new chapter in my life to be old enough to be the one helping those with loved ones who are passing. I may have not known what to do but now will at least do something. I will not sit idle and worry about doing something stupid or doing the wrong thing. But have faith in knowing that just doing is what I should be doing. I love my grandma dearly and thankful for the life lessons she taught me. I am thankful to have known beth and jean. There are only 3 of us left in the neighborhood that were the original owners. They are one of them. We have good memories of running in to them at Disneyland. What are the odds of that? But we did and stopped and visited with them. I am SO glad that I listened to myself and walked right over to her today. For tomorrow may be too late. I don't want to live my life with regrets. Sometimes things just aren't about us, they are about others. Jean let me know today that somehow I touched her life. I am so appreciative of the kiss I received. Until later my good friend and neighbor.....go in peace!
13 comments:
Thanks for this post Rach. I was feeling this way also recently and then I started thinking that at least I was not buried under a pile of rubble in Haiti or Chile so what am I complaining about?
That's such a sweet thing for you to write. Thank you so much for sharing. I also have known some Jeans in my life and I'm glad you were able to say goodbye to her. I knew at the last reunion when I saw my Uncle Don, it would be the last time I would see him alive. Sometimes we just know. That's awesome that she yelled fire so you could get out! What a blessing she was to you. Keep up the good work, you are right we are so blessed to not be in Haiti or some other horrible place. We do have many blessings. Thanks again for sharing
Ahhh Rachel. This just gives me goosebumps. What an inspiration. We all need to slow down and appreciate the people and experiences that make up our lives. Thanks for sharing.
Rachel,
I so empathize with you. My children make choices that tear me into shreds--down to the very depths of despair and I get so down. I appreciate your post to help me realize that we have hope. That we have memories and people in our lives that help us get through these hard times. People that help us remember what is important and things will work out eventually. Thanks for your example that makes me want to turn my life over to Heavenly Father and be his hands that lift those who hang down.
Thank you, thank you.
Rach I just want you to know how much I look up to you and admire you! You are a good mom, and such a good example to everyone around you. I know things can be hard, but like you did today, keep on going and finding something else to do. I've learned that's what I have to do. Find something else to do, find someone else who needs you. Know that we love you and your family. You are the best!
This was beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.
Rach. I just got on here, finally to check out your baby shower. And II sure was uplifted. I think that you are quite amazing and it makes me feel okay...if someone as amazing as you feels down sometimes then maybe I am okay too! I sure love you!
And I wanted to tell you, that is about the cutest baby shower decorations ever. I LOVE them LOVE them LOVE them! I think I will have to call you for some suggestions I love it!
Jaymi
Oh Rachel! This is so hard. You wrote about it so beautifully.
What's in the air that is bringing all this sadness!?! I'm ready for it to blow away! My friend says it has to do with the last days and Satan being unleashed. You are precious, and we all feel this way at times. Thank you for putting into words what we all feel so often.
You made me cry Rach!!! We are allowed to have a bad day. Must we always remember how truly blessed we are. My family and friends mean everything to me and I try and savor every moment I can, especially with my dear Grammy. It is so hard, yet we love her the same.
Oh my! That story just about did me in today. Feeling the spirit so strong, along with dieting is hard to take!!
PS. It is a little road that goes in the pecan grove neighborhood out by me on chandler Heights. Not the nighboghoos "The Pecans" but right next to it. Anyway. You have to walk behind the homes, to find this little road. It is fun!
Rach this post was wonderful! I esp loved, "Sometimes things just aren't about us, they are about others." I have been buried in a pit of despair lately and this sure put it into perspective. You are a strong woman, I appreciate your example. What a great story.
Thank you for such a great eyeopening moment for me. I have been having a rough couple of weeks....and to read your post has touched me so much.
People leaving our lives is so hard to watch and experience, but these people are so beautiful with the strength they have to endure....I so appreciate you!!
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