Happiness

So here it is 2:40 am and I can't sleep. My mind is running wild with thoughts of the day. Maybe I should call my friend Kristen....I'm sure she is awake! I don't know why I can't sleep....maybe its my husband snoring right next to me, or maybe its because my daughter kailey is in Flagstaff with the Cross Country team and I'm thinking of her. Maybe its because Kyle is finishing his Eagle project tomorrow and I'm nervous we won't get the turn out he needs....Or maybe its because I had a very surreal day yesterday....almost an out of body experience......well whatever the reason here I am blogging in the wee hours of the morning...here was my experience yesterday.

So at work there are like 4 of us that work in the Cath Lab that are LDS. Yesterday I was blessed to be able to work in an all LDS room. What a great thing! I say this not because we are supreme, but the mere fact that I didnt have to hear vulgar profanities, jokes or loud awful screaming music was quite the treat. I was even able to read my scriptures without being mocked! So thank you Kinsey and Linna for a wonderful peaceful day! I also have to say that I have been noticing at work that there are a couple of women that I work with that ALWAYS seem happy. They have the best demeanor about them and are so helpful and...they are not LDS. In fact as I was thinking about one in particular, what a great example she is to me. She is so great with the patients and everyone that she comes into contact with. ALways there to help anyone at anytime. I had been thinking about her yesterday morning....so my thoughts were focussed on the happiness that she is to be around and that I hoped that I could be like her always.

So we did a few cases...all of which were involved but had a great doctor so it was alright...then we got a "Cold Leg" patient...meaning the patient was getting no blood flow to her leg. These cases can be quite involved and very long. So I was a little bummed thinking about the possibilites....We were half way in to the case and guess who came and insisted on relieving me...This woman that I was telling you about that is always so positive and happy. What a very nice surprise. She didnt have to do this, nor would half the people in the lab even think about it. SO I was happy that I was going to get lunch. Again focussing on happiness.

So after lunch my friend Linna went to her car and brought up a book on tape by Sheri Dew. I beilieve it was called "No doubt about it". We were listening to it..I was tring to listen to it, as people would come in our room and say what the heck are you guys listening to. But there were a few keys things that she said that stuck with me and made me ponder. It was almost better that it was on cd because some of it was deep. When I try to read books like that I have to read over and over to try and get what they are saying. But her voice was soothing and I could grasp what she was saying as she said it. Amazing! Especially for me. But she talked about why we are here on earth. Our roles in life and how there will be some of us who won't get done what we need to be doing. That it would be sad when we cross the veil to look back and realize that our life is over and we didnt say or do what we needed to do here on earth, and we can't get it back.

It really struck me because I feel like I waste a lot of my life worrying and not doing. I get so caught up in the world and its ways that I often lose sight of what I should really be doing. I will let days go by without trying to connect with my teenagers, or husband, or even my little ones. Sad but true. I have been getting caught up in my sadness so much lately. Mostly over my dog dying. Which I still haven't gotten over...but just things that have been going on in my house lately. Many, many days I have just wasted not being happy. It was a great eye opener to me. So thanks linna for sharing!

So after I got home....Rob was watching tv, kyle was out with friends and makenna fell asleep. I needed to go to Target to get a few things...so I took my 3 year old Kade. He is such a stinker sometimes and quite the handful this is where the surrealness came in. I don't think that Kaden has ever been as good as he was last night. Ever! He wanted to walk himself...show his independance which as we all know can mean running everywhere, hiding etc. Well he just walked everywhere with me, and the times that he did buck the system, I was the most peaceful I have ever been. I let my frustrations go, was kind and patient and felt nothing but love. Ok like this is very hard for me to do! I am very short tempered! Even though I am usually annoyed I dont always voice that, but I do feel it and struggle with those feelings all the time. But last night...I didn't feel it. Not one single time. In fact I thought to myself what the heck is going on. Why am I like this what is the difference. I think that since I started to focus my thoughts back on my Savior and thought about my real purpose for being here gave me such peace that I could be more like him. I know this probably isnt making any sense...I normally dont have great ways of expressing myself let alone it being 3 am.

I am praying that today as I wake up, or not if I can't get back to sleep that tomorrow will bring more of the same. I don't want to get lost in the ways of the world. It is so ugly and busy...never enough time. I want to always be the loving patient mom that I was last night. Even to my teenagers that seem to pull every nerve in my body sometimes. I want to let it go and always feel the love that I have for them and not waste any more time of not connecting with them. These are my thoughts as blurred as they are right now. I hope whoever reads this can make sense of it. Now I am off to try and sleep, but wanted to say how thankful I am for the good people in my life and that I was able to have the experience that I did yesterday. It was peaceful, it was happy and I relished in it! Now at least now I know that I can be that mom that I have been wanting to be for so long. I finally found her again last night. My silent prayers were answered and I am forever thankful!